It’s odd when you know a thing will not last, you tend to allow yourself a little more relaxation into the moment. Perhaps simply because you know it’s slipping away.
I’ve always considered myself an outsider, a newcomer. I didn’t realized after more than a decade that I had become a part of the foundation of the place I had decided to leave. Perhaps it’s only after you walk away that you can take a more measured assessment of a thing.
It wasn’t the first job I’d interviewed for, but this time it was different. I’d changed. I was ready to walk away no matter the cost. I was done, I could feel it in my bones.
Just because we see the models we fall into or understand the traps our trauma sets us to seek, it doesn’t automatically give us the power or the tools to escape that trap. How do you shut your thoughts down? How do you stop caring? I didn’t have the answer but I knew it started with honesty and walking away. Physically leaving. When boundaries are repeatedly stepped on, leaving is the only option.
I always thought the ultimate self-sin was being somewhere I wasn’t wanted. But what happens when you are only wanted because of what you do instead of who are you are? You leave, even if you’re scared to make the leap into something new after such a long time of doing the same thing. Of being comfortable in the knowledge that you’re good at what you do.
Make the jump. It was worth every second of being scared. It was worth every second of being uncomfortable as I learned something new. It was worth it because it set me free.
Jobs aren’t just about the work. They shape your daily life and for me, that is the people who fill the space around you. Walking away meant I walked away from some of the greatest people I ever met. But it also meant I walked away from those who saw me as less-than. Walking away from feeling unwanted. And for me, that has meant never having to tolerate being treated as less-than again. It granted me the ability to see my own worth and know I am never tied to just one place.
Same river, different water.