The answers lie within, not without.
Being the seat of our own awareness can make finding this answer difficult. And so we seek to make external that which is born internal. To hold in our hand that which lies hidden in the heart.
Maybe we’re all just interacting with each other’s trauma.
I’ve been fighting the same enemy my whole life, my mother. Despite walking away from her many years ago, I have continued to meet her over and over in different forms: In my abusive ex boyfriend, in overbearing bosses, in those friends that take advantage and can never be pleased. Always unhappy. An endless pit of negativity as the pool of my joy runs dry.
It took me many years to figure out that cutting someone out of your life without truly understanding the harmful dynamics they brought only sets you up to replay that scenario with another person. They may look different, but just because they go by the title Friend instead of Mother, the lessons you end up learning from the relationship are still the same.
You will continue to play different versions of that puzzle until the puzzle is actually solved.
The question was always why I could never be what they wanted.
Why I was never good enough for whatever they decided to be that day.
The answer to the riddle was that I couldn’t be what they wanted because they were never what I needed.
We will always have scars from the people and experiences of our past but as I look around at the battlefield of my own internal landscape, I’m know I am one of the lucky ones. Lucky to have found my life partner. Lucky to have found true friends among the foes. Lucky to be a genuinely happy person despite all the trauma.
Lucky for a life I am proud to live, with someone I am proud to love.